Question:

I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical.   The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office.  He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

Nahanton, sorry about your pain.  :-(   i had some problems with re-enacting my abuse. i’ve known some other ppl who did, too. i think it’s fairly common. almost all of mine were related to going to therapy, revealing information (directly by talking or by other things like looking or seeming uncomfortable about things, etc.), talking about myself in therapy, and things like that. it made me very anxious and sometimes set off re-enactments similar to what you describe. so i tried to minimize doing those things to the extent possible. i don’t know something specific is setting off the re-enactments or, if it is, if you can find out what it is. in the mean time, is there somewhere that you’d feel safer? could you stay with friends until you figure out what’s going on? would an inpatient setting work for you? some other change of scenery? i hope that you resolve this soon. please be gentle with yourselves and stay as safe as possible. e – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical.   The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office.  He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

– For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

ps – IMO re-enactments mean that you need to back way off, in therapy and elsewhere, from something. and if you can safely do so, use therapy to work on issues like safety, trust (between insiders, all of you and your T, you and the world), containment, and communication. i think it helps to work on those things elsewhere, too, if it’s safe to do so. just my 2 cents. — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

Hiya Nahanton and a big <WAVE to e I would agree with e in that you need to work on containment and safety before proceeding with all the fundamental reasons why this may be going on. Some insider has been triggered badly and spun out of control and they need to be contained and the body safety assured. You can’t "do ther" 24/7, sometimes you need to back away and rest. To answer the other part of your Q, which I don’t think needs spoilering, most people I know, including me, have had body memories, but to my knowledge, not every act of ab*se has to be re-lived or re-enacted. Take time to rest and remember to breathe through your feet.  :) 14

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ps – IMO re-enactments mean that you need to back way off, in therapy and elsewhere, from something. and if you can safely do so, use therapy to work on issues like safety, trust (between insiders, all of you and your T, you and the world), containment, and communication. i think it helps to work on those things elsewhere, too, if it’s safe to do so. just my 2 cents. — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

I am so very sad for you Nahanton, about what happened before and what happened now.  So very sad.  I know what e says, too, about re-doing things.  I agree w/her that it might be good if you could think of a safe place to be.  You are in my thoughts. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office.  He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

Hi e….  scroll please Nahanton, sorry about your pain.  :-(  

Appreciate the thought. i had some problems with re-enacting my abuse. i’ve known some other ppl who did, too. i think it’s fairly common. almost all of mine were related to going to therapy, revealing information (directly by talking or by other things like looking or seeming uncomfortable about things, etc.), talking about myself in therapy, and things like that. it made me very anxious and sometimes set off re-enactments similar to what you describe. so i tried to minimize doing those things to the extent possible. i don’t know something specific is setting off the re-enactments or, if it is, if you can find out what it is.

I just got back from the T a little while ago, and was prepared to discuss with him some of the ideas you and the other asders had, when he said to me that he thought it would be a good idea if we put all of the other "stuff" on the sidelines, and just concentrate on safety and containment.  I was so surprised, it was as if he had read some of the posts here.  I know that that’s not possible, because the last thing I’d do would be to tell him how to "find" us. in the mean time, is there somewhere that you’d feel safer? could you stay with friends until you figure out what’s going on? would an inpatient setting work for you? some other change of scenery?

No to both of your ideas.  I have no friends that know of this, and feel strongly that they _don’t_ know, and no where, no how, would I put myself into an inpatient setting.  I’m still getting over the last one, and that was almost 10 years ago. i hope that you resolve this soon. please be gentle with yourselves and stay as safe as possible.

Thank you for you advice and kind words. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -e

Response:

Hey 14…. Hiya Nahanton and a big <WAVE to e I would agree with e in that you need to work on containment and safety before proceeding with all the fundamental reasons why this may be going on. Some insider has been triggered badly and spun out of control and they need to be contained and the body safety assured.

What you say here is interesting.  My T and I have been talking about topics that could be construed as threatening or frightening to someone who didn’t understand.  I just remembered, that last year we were also talking about things of a s*xual nature, I left,  and when I came back, I found that my g*nitals had been badly burned by bleach or ammonia.  I guess I had put it out of my head (who would want to remember something like that?) until answering this post. You can’t "do ther" 24/7, sometimes you need to back away and rest.

My T and I have decided to do just that.  He’d like to consolidate the forces so to speak, before getting into anything of a "frightening" nature. To answer the other part of your Q, which I don’t think needs spoilering, most people I know, including me, have had body memories, but to my knowledge, not every act of ab*se has to be re-lived or re-enacted.

Yeah, they s*ck, don’t they? Take time to rest and remember to breathe through your feet. :)

I keep trying….have yet to perfect it.  Thanks a lot for your input, 14. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -14 ps – IMO re-enactments mean that you need to back way off, in therapy and elsewhere, from something. and if you can safely do so, use therapy to work on issues like safety, trust (between insiders, all of you and your T, you and the world), containment, and communication. i think it helps to work on those things elsewhere, too, if it’s safe to do so. just my 2 cents. — For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

Dove…. Nahanton, I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, and for what you are going through now.  :(     No words….

Thank you for that, you have no idea how much that means to me. I agree with e and 14, about containment and safety being top priorities.

It seems that everyone who has posted or emailed has given me the same advice. I would certainly be a fool if I didn’t follow it.  Surprisingly, my T said almost the identical words today, so I must be going in the right direction. Thanks so much, dove.. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Take care of yous, dove

Response:

Hi 14… Hiya Nahanton and a big <WAVE to e I would agree with e in that you need to work on containment and safety before proceeding with all the fundamental reasons why this may be going on. Some insider has been triggered badly and spun out of control and they need to be contained and the body safety assured.

What you say here is most interesting.  I hadn’t thought of it that way at all.  While reading this, I remembered how, last year, my T and I were discussing a s*xual topic that might have been perceived in a  frightening context by someone who didn’t understand, and would take what we were saying as a threat. I don’t remember what happened after that, but when I returned, I found that my g*nitals were severely b*rned with either bleach or ammonia.  This time too, my T and I were discussing things of a s*xual nature.  I guess I’m either being protected or punished.  Either way, it doesn’t feel very good. You can’t "do ther" 24/7, sometimes you need to back away and rest.

I agree. To answer the other part of your Q, which I don’t think needs spoilering, most people I know, including me, have had body memories, but to my knowledge, not every act of ab*se has to be re-lived or re-enacted.

It surely s*cks, huh? Take time to rest and remember to breathe through your feet.  :)

I haven’t learned how to do that yet, but I’m working on it!!! Thanks 14. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -14 ps – IMO re-enactments mean that you need to back way off, in therapy and elsewhere, from something. and if you can safely do so, use therapy to work on issues like safety, trust (between insiders, all of you and your T, you and the world), containment, and communication. i think it helps to work on those things elsewhere, too, if it’s safe to do so. just my 2 cents.

Response:

Dear Nahanton,     I feel tremendous empathy and sympathy toward you when you write these alarming, heart rending stories of the physical manifestations of your internal struggles to overcome the terrible terribles that were done to you. If I could fix things for you I would.  Knowing that I can’t, well, I feel helpless.  I feel grief.     After reading the supportive and wise suggestions from e and 14, I have a small suggestion to add.         If it is at all possible for you and the t to work on ways for you and others in your system who understand the pain of the physical stuff to start communicating with anyone in there who might be contributing to it, to let anyone like that know what maybe sie doesn’t know — that you all need the body.  That you all need a healthy body…         I don’t know for sure, but some of that sort of thing worked for me and I ended up with fewer and fewer injuries. be gentle with all of your selves, Nahanton, trill

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi e….  scroll please Nahanton, sorry about your pain. Appreciate the thought. i had some problems with re-enacting my abuse. i’ve known some other ppl who did, too. i think it’s fairly common. almost all of mine were related to going to therapy, revealing information (directly by talking or by other things like looking or seeming uncomfortable about things, etc.), talking about myself in therapy, and things like that. it made me very anxious and sometimes set off re-enactments similar to what you describe. so i tried to minimize doing those things to the extent possible. i don’t know something specific is setting off the re-enactments or, if it is, if you can find out what it is. I just got back from the T a little while ago, and was prepared to discuss with him some of the ideas you and the other asders had, when he said to me that he thought it would be a good idea if we put all of the other "stuff" on the sidelines, and just concentrate on safety and containment.  I was so surprised, it was as if he had read some of the posts here.  I know that that’s not possible, because the last thing I’d do would be to tell him how to "find" us. in the mean time, is there somewhere that you’d feel safer? could you stay with friends until you figure out what’s going on? would an inpatient setting work for you? some other change of scenery? No to both of your ideas.  I have no friends that know of this, and feel strongly that they _don’t_ know, and no where, no how, would I put myself into an inpatient setting.  I’m still getting over the last one, and that was almost 10 years ago. i hope that you resolve this soon. please be gentle with yourselves and stay as safe as possible. Thank you for you advice and kind words. Nahanton e

Response:

Hey… It does indeed s*ck.  the Kid says to try breathing through your eyeballs. Yeah, you know…. she’s full of wisdom at age 8.  :) 14 who is in a perpetual state of mixed up…

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sorry…..It appeared to me that one of my posts didn’t get through, so I started another.  It’s very similar, so don’t bother reading both of them. Sorry for the mix up Nahanton

Response:

Sorry…..It appeared to me that one of my posts didn’t get through, so I started another.  It’s very similar, so don’t bother reading both of them. Sorry for the mix up Nahanton

Response:

Nahanton, I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, and for what you are going through now.  :(     No words…. I agree with e and 14, about containment and safety being top priorities. Take care of yous, dove – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hiya Nahanton and a big <WAVE to e I would agree with e in that you need to work on containment and safety before proceeding with all the fundamental reasons why this may be going on. Some insider has been triggered badly and spun out of control and they need to be contained and the body safety assured. You can’t "do ther" 24/7, sometimes you need to back away and rest. To answer the other part of your Q, which I don’t think needs spoilering, most people I know, including me, have had body memories, but to my knowledge, not every act of ab*se has to be re-lived or re-enacted. Take time to rest and remember to breathe through your feet. :) 14

ps – IMO re-enactments mean that you need to back way off, in therapy and elsewhere, from something. and if you can safely do so, use therapy to work on issues like safety, trust (between insiders, all of you and your T, you and the world), containment, and communication. i think it helps to work on those things elsewhere, too, if it’s safe to do so. just my 2 cents.

– For info about this service, see http://anon.twwells.com/help/ or e-mail:

Response:

my heart hurts for you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop. i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes* dyenths

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8

years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany

that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of

the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us,

took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and

gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never

mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said

that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d

really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I

wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she

finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary

pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been

telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant

again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told

her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain

was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then,

and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to

bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but

that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my

cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to

do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked

me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I

needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to

me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can

tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that

we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m

just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put

the spoiler in.  I hope – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

*safe and gentle hugs* …. my heart goes out to you my friend … words won’t be enough to compensate for the pain and the anguish …. you welcome to write ….

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – my heart hurts for you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop. i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes* dyenths I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

dyenths….. my heart hurts for you.

What a kind thought…thank you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care.

I believe that you really would like to make it all go away.  It means more to me than I can say that you care….Thank you. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are.

You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship.  The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop.

You communicated very well.  As I mentioned above, you were right on target. i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes*

My thanks to you. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -dyenths I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

Hey RC…. I got your email and was very happy to receive it.  I answered it, and unfortunately it  bounced back.  It said:  Host unknown (Name server: tuells.com:host (not found) I know that you’ve been having problems.  I hope you can see this, and let me know if there’s another way of getting through to you. Nahanton

Response:

Oh Tabkey…. The safe and gentle hugs are well received.  At this time, I seem to need as many as I can get. *safe and gentle hugs* …. my heart goes out to you my friend … words won’t be enough to compensate for the pain and the anguish ….

Words do help a lot.  I thank you for your kind heartfelt wishes. you welcome to write ….

I’m saving all of those hugs for later, when I can bring them out and use them.  Thanks Tabkey.. Nahanton

Response:

*sad smiles* fwiw, i think when i said i wasn’t being clear, it’s cuz my internal editor was turned off (a friend once jokingly said he wanted an internal editor like mine, and how much does it cost to get one? "More than anyone should ever have to pay" was my answer.) and I couldn’t judge the appropriateness of my reply. am glad that youse have an idea what’s going on inside, even if it’s not *really* clear yet.  I’m still not saying what i want to say, cuz that editor turned off again, and i just deleted a whole paragraph (which for me means abt .5 of a thought) cuz i got really muddy in my thinking again.  and hafta get going. but you’ve always impressed me with your strength and wisdom, and your compassion – and i wanted to try to ease your burden if i could.  *presents broad shoulders*  Just pile it on.  We have bungee cords to tie it down with…  ;) dyenths ps:  per your reply to tabkey:  *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*!!!  :-D  (sorry – Gloriana’s my "go-to gal" today – she’s the one that gets switched to when the front person gets tired.  life always gets weird when she’s the default…..) La la laaaaa…not listening….la la laaaaa!!!!! :-D  (sorry!) :D

dyenths….. my heart hurts for you. What a kind thought…thank you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care. I believe that you really would like to make it all go

away.  It means more to – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – me than I can say that you care….Thank you. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are. You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing

recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the

things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship.  The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was

untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop. You communicated very well.  As I mentioned above, you

were right on target. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes* My thanks to you. Nahanton dyenths I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again. She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

Dear trill, Dear Nahanton,    I feel tremendous empathy and sympathy toward you when you write these alarming, heart rending stories of the physical manifestations of your internal struggles to overcome the terrible terribles that were done to you. If I could fix things for you I would.

I know that if you had it in your power to fix things you would.  I know that for sure, which is a source of much comfort.  Knowing that I can’t, well, I feel helpless.  I feel grief.    After reading the supportive and wise suggestions from e and 14, I have a small suggestion to add.        If it is at all possible for you and the t to work on ways for you and others in your system who understand the pain of the physical stuff to start communicating with anyone in there who might be contributing to it, to let anyone like that know what maybe sie doesn’t know — that you all need the body.  That you all need a healthy body…        I don’t know for sure, but some of that sort of thing worked for me and I ended up with fewer and fewer injuries.

Wise trill, that’s exactly what the T and I have been working on.  Acting upon someone else’s advice (although I don’t think he’d admit that,) he wants to put together a "meeting" of all of the insiders to discuss what’s going on, what’s bothering them, and to try to find out who is hurting the body in this way. be gentle with all of your selves, Nahanton,

The difficult part for me is to look at my right hand, and think:  this is the hand that did this terrible damage.  I "know" that it wasn’t me in charge of that hand, but some other insider..but nevertheless, it _was_ this hand. Ughhh. Thanks trill, Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -trill Hi e….  scroll please Nahanton, sorry about your pain. Appreciate the thought. i had some problems with re-enacting my abuse. i’ve known some other ppl who did, too. i think it’s fairly common. almost all of mine were related to going to therapy, revealing information (directly by talking or by other things like looking or seeming uncomfortable about things, etc.), talking about myself in therapy, and things like that. it made me very anxious and sometimes set off re-enactments similar to what you describe. so i tried to minimize doing those things to the extent possible. i don’t know something specific is setting off the re-enactments or, if it is, if you can find out what it is. I just got back from the T a little while ago, and was prepared to discuss with him some of the ideas you and the other asders had, when he said to me that he thought it would be a good idea if we put all of the other "stuff" on the sidelines, and just concentrate on safety and containment.  I was so surprised, it was as if he had read some of the posts here.  I know that that’s not possible, because the last thing I’d do would be to tell him how to "find" us. in the mean time, is there somewhere that you’d feel safer? could you stay with friends until you figure out what’s going on? would an inpatient setting work for you? some other change of scenery? No to both of your ideas.  I have no friends that know of this, and feel strongly that they _don’t_ know, and no where, no how, would I put myself into an inpatient setting.  I’m still getting over the last one, and that was almost 10 years ago. i hope that you resolve this soon. please be gentle with yourselves and stay as safe as possible. Thank you for you advice and kind words. Nahanton e

Response:

dyenths…. Your thinking is far from muddy.  I could use a little of  what you consider "muddy thinking."  It does ease the burden, knowing that there are broad shoulders awaiting.  Thank you, dyenths. Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -*sad smiles* fwiw, i think when i said i wasn’t being clear, it’s cuz my internal editor was turned off (a friend once jokingly said he wanted an internal editor like mine, and how much does it cost to get one? "More than anyone should ever have to pay" was my answer.) and I couldn’t judge the appropriateness of my reply. am glad that youse have an idea what’s going on inside, even if it’s not *really* clear yet.  I’m still not saying what i want to say, cuz that editor turned off again, and i just deleted a whole paragraph (which for me means abt .5 of a thought) cuz i got really muddy in my thinking again.  and hafta get going. but you’ve always impressed me with your strength and wisdom, and your compassion – and i wanted to try to ease your burden if i could.  *presents broad shoulders*  Just pile it on.  We have bungee cords to tie it down with…  ;) dyenths ps:  per your reply to tabkey:  *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*!!!  :-D  (sorry – Gloriana’s my "go-to gal" today – she’s the one that gets switched to when the front person gets tired.  life always gets weird when she’s the default…..) La la laaaaa…not listening….la la laaaaa!!!!! :-D  (sorry!) :D dyenths….. my heart hurts for you. What a kind thought…thank you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care. I believe that you really would like to make it all go away.  It means more to me than I can say that you care….Thank you. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are. You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship.  The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop. You communicated very well.  As I mentioned above, you were right on target. i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes* My thanks to you. Nahanton dyenths I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again. She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

We’re kinda in a fog right now ourselves, but wanted to send a note to say that we saw and read your post and are sad that you had to h*rt like that. :(  We send *hugs* if ok and *kitty purrs* if not. Rainstar – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.)  She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again.  She was hysterical.   The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office.  He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this?  My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

– To e-mail remove extra from address

Response:

Nahanton,     Through it all you continue to astound and amaze me.     You’re dating!         Girl, you rock!     I mean, considering everything in your personal life, and considering everything in the global crisis and the particular, personal ways that has affected you, to find the strength in yourself to reach out and connect to someone in the way of a dating relationship, well, that is just danged remarkable.  Dang! Keep on keepin on, Nahanton. trill

<snip You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship.  The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. My thanks to you. Nahanton

<snip again

Response:

Hi trill…. Dating, shmating….it seems as if it’s all over now.  It appears that there is an insider who is terrified of anyone who might get rom*ntically close to me, and this nice man that I was dating wasn’t even "close" to that point. I’ve learned my lesson, unless someone can solve this problem.  Last year it was bleach… this year……. This girl ain’t rockin’ no more, Nahanton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Nahanton,    Through it all you continue to astound and amaze me.    You’re dating!        Girl, you rock!    I mean, considering everything in your personal life, and considering everything in the global crisis and the particular, personal ways that has affected you, to find the strength in yourself to reach out and connect to someone in the way of a dating relationship, well, that is just danged remarkable.  Dang! Keep on keepin on, Nahanton. trill <snip You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship.  The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. My thanks to you. Nahanton <snip again

Response:

<dyenths:  and bunjee cords!  don’t ferget the bunjee cords!!  :-D  They was my idea! the reason you think my thinking is far from muddy is cuz I *deleted* the stuff that got muddy!  :) was trying to say this weird thing bout knowing i was right, but not wanting to seem conceited, so I wanted to say I was glad that *you* knew this for yourself.  For whatever reason, it seemed important to me to let you know that I wasn’t unsure of my conclusion (regarding why this stuff’s maybe coming up), merely of how you’d react if I acted sure of my conclusion, but it threw you totally off stride or something. I think it was a pride thing – wanted to let you know I’m smart or something. enough myself, now, to have a pretty good idea what to look for? Now how’s *that* for muddy thinking???  ;)  And it came out *much* clearer here than it did before I deleted it last time. I really do work hard at making sense when I write as a big…..*frets needlessly*  It’s an OCD thing…Ok, I quit. Better send b4 I chicken out again…..;) Jen, for dyenths  *shakes head*  (and when did I switch out of blue???  he’s been terr0rizing this ng tonight with needlessly intense responses, and he just goes poof? *sheesh*  must be bedtime…..;) )

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – dyenths…. Your thinking is far from muddy.  I could use a little of what you consider "muddy thinking."  It does ease the burden, knowing that there are broad shoulders awaiting.  Thank you, dyenths. Nahanton *sad smiles* fwiw, i think when i said i wasn’t being clear, it’s cuz my internal editor was turned off (a friend once jokingly said he wanted an internal editor like mine, and how much does it cost to get one? "More than anyone should ever have to pay" was my answer.) and I couldn’t judge the appropriateness of my reply. am glad that youse have an idea what’s going on inside, even if it’s not *really* clear yet.  I’m still not saying what i want to say, cuz that editor turned off again, and i just deleted a whole paragraph (which for me means abt .5 of a thought) cuz i got really muddy in my thinking again. and hafta get going. but you’ve always impressed me with your strength and wisdom, and your compassion – and i wanted to try to ease your burden if i could.  *presents broad shoulders*  Just pile it on.  We have bungee cords to tie it down with… ;) dyenths ps:  per your reply to tabkey:  *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*!!!  :-D  (sorry – Gloriana’s my "go-to gal" today – she’s the one that gets switched to when the front person gets tired.  life always gets weird when she’s the default…..) La la laaaaa…not listening….la la laaaaa!!!!! :-D  (sorry!) :D dyenths….. my heart hurts for you. What a kind thought…thank you. i wish i could hold you to my heart and keep you safe and make all the pain and hurt and fear go away, but i can’t. please know that I care. I believe that you really would like to make it all go away.  It means more to me than I can say that you care….Thank you. it occurs to me that perhaps somebody inside is trying to "prove" that it’s not safe to delve into such painful topics for you.  when i think that might be the case for me, i look to see what’s going on with my different parts, looking beneath fear or outrage or pain or indifference or whatever they’re feeling or not feeling to see what their true thoughts are. You’re right on target, dyenths.  My t and I suspect that there is an insider who is afraid  of the topics we have been discussing recently.  I have had several dates with a man that I sort of like.  One of the things that has been worrying me is the s*xual aspect of a relationship. The T feels that the insider did these things to make sure that I was untouchable.  It seems to make sense.  A year ago, something similar happened. i’m not making much sense – at least, i’m not communicating clearly that which i wanted to communicate, so i’ll stop. You communicated very well.  As I mentioned above, you were right on target. i will keep you in my thoughts, and send you *warm wishes* My thanks to you. Nahanton dyenths I’d like to tell you about something that’s been going on with me, but I need to use a spoiler:  It’s about p*inful, h*rtful stuff that happened in childhood.  I’d like to keep it contained, but it seems to want to push it’s way out….so be careful… no splatting. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v I think that that should be enough.  When I was about 8 years old, I was gang raped.  I think I talked about this before, so won’t go into the horror of that.  We had an adolescent  refugee girl from Germany that my parents took in, to help the many youngsters that were orphaned, because of the war.  She stayed in my room with me.   "Linda," the girl who lived with us, took care of me when I came home from the rape, and was kind, caring and gentle. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, because when I first came in, I was in shock, and told my father, who called me, "Whore."  He never mentioned it again.  All I had was Linda, and she was there for me whenever I needed her.  I loved her very much, and she would call me, "little sister." After a while, (maybe many weeks?) Linda told me that I was pregnant. (Remember, I was 8 or 9 years old at that time.) She said that she had to take the baby out or my parents would find out, and then I’d really be _in_ for it. That night, she put something in my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise, and proceeded to insert a very long wooden spoon into my vagina.  She pushed and pushed.  The pain was excruciating.  After she finished, I was bleeding from what she had done, and she helped me put a sanitary pad on.  She showed me the "baby" that she had removed from my "belly."  It was a dark livery substance covered with blood. Just recently one of my parts (the 8 year old) has been telling me that Linda is coming back because she (the 8 year old) is pregnant again.  I’ve told her and told her that that wasn’t going to happen.  The T told her that it happened a very long time ago, and wouldn’t happen ever again. She was hysterical. The night before last, it _did_ happen again.  The pain was as I remembered it, and when I went into the kitchen, there on the counter was a bloody wooden spoon with "stuff" on it.  I’ve been bleeding since then, and have had very bad abdominal pain. Yesterday when the pain got too much to bear, I called a gyn. who is a friend, and asked him if he would see me, but that I didn’t want him to ask any questions. He agreed, and I went to his office. He is a very kind gentle person.  After examining me, he told me that my cervix had been torn, and my uterus perforated.  He said that it probably would heal itself as the perforation wasn’t big, but if it didn’t, he would have to do surgery.  He gave me an antibiotic and some pain medication. He also asked me if he should do an STD smear and test for semen.  I told him "no," and reminded him of his promise.  He told me that I could call him anytime if I needed to talk.  I told him that I had a T.  He seemed somewhat relieved. I guess I’m writing this for sympathy, because I feel very sorry for myself, but also I write this because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future.  Linda did a lot of horrendous things to me….will I have to endure the burns, etc. Please, has anyone gone through anything like this? My T has been _very_ sympathetic, and called me 4 times yesterday, but I can tell, he doesn’t know quite what to do either.  The last thing he said, was that we’d have to work on this.  "Yadda, Yadda."  I know he means well…..but I’m just damn scared.  I hope that I didn’t trigger or offend anyone.  I did put the spoiler in.  I hope that that was enough. Nahanton

Response:

Related Questions