Question:

Why does he need names and dates for when u did were in a sex swing with John Doe ?  yuck .   i don’t know this is creepy :) shelayla Peace Light Hope Love It’s my time to Live. (Revenge was just a hobby)

Response:

Hello again…Thank you so much for your help!  I showed my message and all the posts to my fiance.  It opened up a wonderful dialogue between us!  Things were said that I couldn’t find the words for.  Yes, communication is the most important part of any relationship!  I believe in my heart that this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with and be happy! Love, blubird

Response:

bluebird, I personally feel very strongly that it is *entirely* up to the survivor to share their history if/when they are ready. I do not think it is wrong for you to not tell your soon to be hubby some things.  In fact, i think "knowing all", can do damage, if it is told under the wrong pretext,or for the wrong reasons. Bluebird, you *lived* it. those memories are *yours*. you get to share them when/if you want. I do think that if you have been in abusive relationships, and if fiance deosn’t seem to understand your need to have some things not told… maybe get counseling. Most counselors i have met, agree, that it is the surivors option… no matter what. other than that, if he refuses to accdept you have parts of your history that hurt you and you don’t want to discuss… then it makes me think he has screwed up boundaries. and i would consider it something of a red flag.  I do think either way, getting a counselor involved would be a good thing. take care bluebird. Nice to meet you, and hope everything turns out great! Feel free to stick around, and join in… gotta have the heart for it htough (a little tough sometimes) be well bluebird, i wish i had more thorough advice, but above all, re3main true to YOUR needs.  You can’t conrol his feelings, or needs. Only yours. good luck, celeste – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Yes, I want to know what other opinions are!  Thank you!  I went to a massage therapist once for shoulder pain.  It was from being hunched over…protecting my heart!  I want this marriage to work!  I am so crazy about Chris!  I need to stop protecting my heart and open up!  I just got off the phone with him and I know he is hurt and he feels that if I tell him things then I will be able to heal better.  But I feel like I have opened up about things before and therefore they may still be there but just put away.  I suppose I should just bite the bullet and pull them out…dust them off…and try to put them away again. Now would be better than 10 years from now. Everyone sees marriage as something different.  But, if you want to know what I think, here it is: If you want to be married, you should want to share everything about your life — the good and the bad.  If you two were meant to be together, nothing in your past will haunt your relationship.  If you keep it a secret and marry, down the line he’ll find out anyway.  Sure, it may be 10 years, but he’ll eventually find out all those little things. That’s what happens when you mix worlds. Marriage should be forever, and if you and he both believe that, nothing in your pasts will matter. Talk to him.  Communication is key. Joanna I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

Yes, I want to know what other opinions are!  Thank you!  I went to a massage therapist once for shoulder pain.  It was from being hunched over…protecting my heart! I want this marriage to work!  I am so crazy about Chris!

Enough to go into a marriage that might not work just because you *need* and *want* it to work so much? Emotion is a *very* good thing, just *not* when it blinds or overrides logic and objectivity.  It’s an important decision.  Emotion should be the basis for being attracted. Logic should be the basis for a decision to form any binding relationship. I need to stop protecting my heart and open up!

*If* it’s safe to do so, yes. I just got off the phone with him and I know he is hurt and he feels that if I tell him things then I will be able to heal better.

Hang about a minute!  I got the distinct sense it was something *he* needed before, which definitely contradicted what you presented as *your* needs.  Now, after some time and you’ve talked to him, it’s something he is doing for *you*!!! THAT is a definite *RED FLAG* to me!  How often in the future is a transgression of your boundaries going to be presented to you as something being done for *you*, for your benefit, for your "good". To me, it *stinks*.  Pure and simple.  Be very cautious about this flip-flop stuff.  It is the "crazy-making" stuff, and a hall-mark of abuse as well.  It’s always done *for* you, as well as *to* you. But I feel like I have opened up about things before and therefore they may still be there but just put away.  I suppose I should just bite the bullet and pull them out…dust them off…and try to put them away again.  Now would be better than 10 years from now.

Sort of sounds like you’ve decided.  It would appear what was important to you really wasn’t that important after all, and what was important to him, now that it’s *for* your own good, of course, really is what was the important thing all along. Sounds pretty ominous and foreboding to me.  The start of a pattern, or the continuation thereof. Your choice though. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Everyone sees marriage as something different.  But, if you want to know what I think, here it is: If you want to be married, you should want to share everything about your life — the good and the bad.  If you two were meant to be together, nothing in your past will haunt your relationship.  If you keep it a secret and marry, down the line he’ll find out anyway.  Sure, it may be 10 years, but he’ll eventually find out all those little things. That’s what happens when you mix worlds. Marriage should be forever, and if you and he both believe that, nothing in your pasts will matter. Talk to him.  Communication is key. Joanna I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

Hi Blubird…welcome…pull up a chair…might be able to get Winday to rustle up some food! <smile I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?

the question for me would be how much you feel comfortable in telling him…my husband knows just about everything, but there is a whole (very dark) side that he knows nothing about….he doesn’t need to…it doesn’t encraoch on outr marriage and until it does it is my business not his…same with you….you are allowed to keep some things for yourself… I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.

<smile congratulations, but I can assure you that you are quite wrong <g…*I* married the most wonderful man on earth in June…<giggle  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! <nods been there The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.

<sigh always the way….but it is your business….marrying you doesn’t mean that he owns you, lock stock and memories…I doubt that you know absolutely everything about him either…nor would you want to….  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?

no…you are definately not wrong at all…if he is as wonderful as you say he is, then I suspect that he has the best intentions and motives here…he may feel that he is in fact helping you by showing you that he loves you warts and all…if he isn’t an abuse survivour, he will have no clue as to what you are going through…have you tried to explain it to him like you did here?  I could use some help with this.

I hope I have helped a little…good luck with this… Dee xxx

Response:

Everyone sees marriage as something different.  But, if you want to know what I think, here it is: If you want to be married, you should want to share everything about your life — the good and the bad.  If you two were meant to be together, nothing in your past will haunt your relationship.  If you keep it a secret and marry, down the line he’ll find out anyway.  Sure, it may be 10 years, but he’ll eventually find out all those little things. That’s what happens when you mix worlds. Marriage should be forever, and if you and he both believe that, nothing in your pasts will matter. Talk to him.  Communication is key. Joanna – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

Sweetie, I’m not sure you really need to marry this guy.  It sound like the possibility of another abuser to me.  PLSE. RECONSIDER AND BE CAREFUL! Michele – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

He wants names and dates?  That is a big signal to me.  And not a good one. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

Yes, I want to know what other opinions are!  Thank you!  I went to a massage therapist once for shoulder pain.  It was from being hunched over…protecting my heart!  I want this marriage to work!  I am so crazy about Chris!  I need to stop protecting my heart and open up!  I just got off the phone with him and I know he is hurt and he feels that if I tell him things then I will be able to heal better.  But I feel like I have opened up about things before and therefore they may still be there but just put away.  I suppose I should just bite the bullet and pull them out…dust them off…and try to put them away again. Now would be better than 10 years from now. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Everyone sees marriage as something different.  But, if you want to know what I think, here it is: If you want to be married, you should want to share everything about your life — the good and the bad.  If you two were meant to be together, nothing in your past will haunt your relationship.  If you keep it a secret and marry, down the line he’ll find out anyway.  Sure, it may be 10 years, but he’ll eventually find out all those little things. That’s what happens when you mix worlds. Marriage should be forever, and if you and he both believe that, nothing in your pasts will matter. Talk to him.  Communication is key. Joanna I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

Response:

I’m new here.  I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?  I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.  I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships! The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.  Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!  Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.  Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details.  I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.  Am I wrong?  I could use some help with this.  We’re getting married New Years! blubird

The "most wonderful man in the world" seems to me somewhat controlling to me.  And I guess you are having some doubts about him as well, or you wouldn’t have posted this. No one has an obligation to reveal everything about their past to another perso, marriage notwithstanding.  And if he truly respects you, he will accept your feelings, and your need not to talk about it. Now if he feels he needs to know you better before he can commit to youy, then this wedding is scheduled too soon.  And if there is a great deal of yourself you don’t feel you can share with him, YOU may want to decide if you need more time. On the other hand, these may be minor issues that feel bigger right now because the big day is so near.   Only you can decide if this is the case. Peace and strength, Tide Rider – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

I’m new here.

Welcome. I have a question…how much does a person need to tell the person they are marrying?

That’s your decision.  In making this decision, you have to consider primarily yourself, though in light of the relationship you need to consider your partner as well.  The thing is though…  you don’t take away from yourself or diminish yourself, and that definitely includes what’s important to you, to fit what your prospective or current partner needs.  It’s not a "resume required" situation.  If it is for him, that’s not a good thing. I am about to marry the most wonderful man on earth.

Is this an emotionally optimistic assessment, or a logical and objective assessment? By the way…  it is my understanding that most abusive people are incredibly charming until they have achieved, whether it is with conscious or subconscious intent to do so, a firm grasp on their victim.  I believe one identifying hallmark of an abusive person would be the lack of respect for another person, who they are, or what is important to them.  Perhaps this might be a good area of discussion from which might benefit. I have been in 2 back to back abusive relationships!

Which prompts the questions: Have you determined yet *why* your selection process led you to make these previous choices? If you have identified the reasons for selecting abusive partners, have you eliminated those "beliefs" and perceived "needs", put safeguards in place to insure they do not again lead you to choose an abusive partner, or replaced them with healthy "beliefs" and "needs"? If you have not yet identified the reasons why you have a tendency to select abusive partners, how and why do you think your criteria for selection might have changed? The only problem I have is that he feels like he wants to know everything there is to know about me.

That, to me, is very understandable.  This is a good thing I reckon.  I would be alarmed should a prospective partner show no interest in who I was.  Personally, I would want to know everything about my prospective partner…  to a point. That "point" would be dependent upon my prospective partner, not myself.  My power of choice would be limited in such a situation to whether I was accepting of what was given or not.  If I am, I cultivate the relationship.  If not, I do not.  Changing my prospective partner to fit my needs or wants is not an optional choice, or at least should not be since it simply does not work. Some things I hold private but he feels that I am holding out on him!

This is not good.  When suspicion overrides or dominates respect for you, there exists a very significant, if not vitally important, reason to examine this, for I can guarantee you that if he is displaying this, it *is* there. Most of it has to do with sex with men I knew before I met him.  If I tell him I did a certain thing sexually, he wants names and dates.

That, to me, is more than a bit odd.  I guess to be fair you would need to determine *why* he feels any such need, though I can’t really think of any reasonable excuse or reason to know such details.  I mean…  what does he want that information for?  Is he planning to go out, find them, and castrate them or something?  Makes no sense to me.  I would be wanting to know what’s going on in his brain really quick, cause this sounds like one huge *Red Flag* to me. By the way…  in case you’re not familiar with the term… a Red Flag is a danger signal.  A key behavior which is indicative of some underlying unhealthy or dysfunctional thinking patterns.  It is, without a doubt, a *Do Not Tread* signal which, unless you wish to make the same mistake again, should *NOT* be ignored.  I’m not saying it’s a definite reason to walk the other way, but something which bears full and objective examination *prior* to commitments being made or put in action. One could also use the logic of why anyone would choose a dented can of beans from the grocer’s shelf and risk botulism poisoning when the majority of cans have no such dents.  Would you make such a choice?  If not, why not? Some of my past is so hurtful that I just don’t want to discuss it but he still wants details. I tell him that they are buried and need to stay that way but he insists and brings up all the old wounds and makes them new again.

I get the sense that you are willing this to be alright, or hoping it will be alright, maybe even searching for some rationalization to explain away or justify what you see played out in front of you. *sigh* To put it very bluntly, the previous two statements from yourself display a lack of respect for you by your prospective partner.  Now whether you know this or are even able to acknowledge this or not makes no difference really, because it simply *is*.  Nothing you’re going to do about it.  No way for you to change it.  The best you can do is recognize it, accept it, and consider this when making *your* choice in this situation. I think the really important question which this presents is not about your prospective partner, but about *yourself*. What within you contributes to or causes you to choose prospective partners who display a lack of respect for you and all that is you?  I am fully aware this *may* be a somewhat exciting or deceptively attractive quality in that he may appear to be a "take charge" kind of guy.  You may even find it to be good and comforting that he appears to do things for you or make some decisions for you. That’s all well and good depending on what they are.  The thing is though, when that "take charge" attitude overrides respect for yourself, it’s gone *way* too far. Look, if he zooms right past a boundary which you apparently have presented in a most plain and understandable fashion without even realizing it is important to you, without realizing he has gone past it, because the only thing he can see is what he feels is important to him…  well…  that’s not the kind of blindness which anyone needs in a relationship.  Down the track, whether you can see it or not, these situations are going to continue to occur.  He is going to *miss* seeing where he ends and you begin.  He *is* going to become frustrated and wish, and **TRY**, to control what is beyond his power to control…  unless, of course, you give him that power.  Such a choice is obviously up to you.  The problem is that it simply never works, either for *you*, or for him.  That’s not the way it works, and as he doesn’t seem to realize this, it’s up to you to realize it. Not for him, but for *you*. Am I wrong?

In asking?  No, not in the least wrong.  Very *right*, I reckon. In being reluctant or possibly wanting *not* to see what’s being shown to you?  Well…  that’s definitely not something one could say is a good thing. In your choice?  It appears highly likely. I could use some help with this.

Ok, but be aware that you are the only one who can actually make the choices which will affect you and determine the quality of your life.  It *will* be whatever you choose, be that good, bad, indifferent…  or *excellent*. We’re getting married New Years!

This would seem to be deserving of some serious consideration. I hope in the next couple of weeks you get "down and dirty" and discuss some of the issues you’ve presented here.  There are a great many folks here who have a lot of experience and wisdom in this area and would be more than willing to tell you straight and honest what the score is. I hope you avail yourself of the opportunity presented. Personally, I would prefer to choose someone who showed respect for myself in even the most minor and seemingly insignificant situations.  This would give an indication that when it came to the crunch down the track in a year or two, that same degree of respect for myself would be present in important and critical situations as well.  Choosing the opposite just doesn’t make any sense to me, unless it is something you feel you need or something you are deserving of.  I doubt you think that true consciously, though it is a valid question to ask of your subconscious self. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -blubird

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